


Party Crasher

by hermione_vader



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 19:55:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Avengerkink.  Deadpool shows up in the middle of the Chitauri invasion and then crashes the post-battle shawarma session.  And he has <i>lots</i> of opinions, per usual.  Steve isn't quite sure what to make of this wacky stranger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Party Crasher

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt [here.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5758.html?thread=6961278#t6961278)

Steve first saw him in the middle of the battle. He'd just given a couple more Chitauri a taste of his shield when he heard some manic yelling. But the person wasn't in pain. They were happy. Steve followed the voice until he found a man (at least he thought it was a man) in a red-and-black jumpsuit and mask, hacking the ever-living hell out of a large group of Chitauri with a pairing of samurai swords (at least that's what Steve thought they were).

"YIPPEE-KI-AY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I'M IN A SUMMER MOVIE, BITCHES!!!!!" the man bellowed , slicing two more Chitauri heads off. "I'M GONNA GET RYAN REYNOLDS HIS OSCAR, JUST YOU WAIT!!!!"

Steve ran towards the man. "Sir, who are you? What are you doing?"

"Captain America!" The masked man finished off the remaining Chitauri with a few rough whacks and genuflected in front of Steve. "You're my idol and my inspiration and I'm sorry I'm not a better dude. But life's a bitch like that."

"You didn't answer my question."

The man stood back up. "Oh, right. I'm Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth, the Crimson Comedian, and probably a whole slew of other nicknames I can't think of right now. Being an anti-heroic (and occasionally heroic) mercenary, I saw the monsters and decided to help save the day by whackin' some heads off. Also, my cable was out and I didn't have anything better to do."

Steve paused, taking in everything the man said. Maybe he wasn't good, but the Avengers needed all the help they could get.

"Alright, keep up the good work, Deadpool." Steve clapped the masked man's shoulder and nodded.

"Thank you," Deadpool sighed, sounding like a lovesick thirteen-year-old girl. Then he launched himself at the next wave of Chitauri as the dropped down from their hovercrafts.

"Captain!" Thor called from farther down the street. "Not running away, are you?"

Steve looked back at Deadpool, who was bleeding from his head, his torso, his thighs, and his right foot. "'Course not, Thor! Just helping someone else out!"

Deadpool's head squelched off his body. Then it spoke. "Dude, don't worry about me. I heal every time. Go help Pretty Boy. I'll meet up with you guys later."

Steve's eyes grew wide and he nodded at the severed head before running back down the street to re-join Thor.

*

After the battle, Steve's head throbbed, his legs ached, and his left bicep hurt like hell.  He was tired.  So was everyone else.  He just gazed down at his half-eaten shawarma (he still wasn't completely sure what shawarma _was_ ), letting images of the talking severed head flash through his mind.  Again and again, the mouth opened, splitting into a bloody grin.  Then Steve began to hear the head's voice.  
  
"Yeah, I'll take some of that, over on the left.  Yeah, the thing in the corner.  And some of that and that.  Thanks, dude.  Totally sorry about the street and everything, even though it wasn't my fault this time."  
  
Steve looked up and saw Deadpool, head reattached, taking his bag of shawarma and walking towards the Avengers' table.  
  
"Yo, Earth's Mightiest Heroes.  Fantastic work out there.  I totally plan on marathoning the found footage on YouTube after this."  Deadpool started circling the table.  "Cap, you looked amazing out there.  A super-duper return to form and all that jazz."  Then he adressed the others individually.  "Hey, there, Scarlett.  Long time, no see."  
  
Natasha glared at him.  "My hair color is not my name, Wilson."  
  
"Wasn't talkin' about that, babe.  And you---Hawkeye, right?  You've totally shot me in the neck before and it was awesome."  Deadpool bent down and started reading over Clint's shoulder.  " _Fifty Shades of Grey_?  I don't know whether I should love you or laugh at you."  
  
Clint turned the page and didn't look up.  "Don't judge me, Wilson.  I know for a fact you watch _My Little Pony_ in your spare time."  
  
"So?  Haters gonna hate, but _Friendship is Magic_ is the shit.  Bronies gotta represent.  But _Fifty Shades_?  The lady writing us right now can use adjectives better than E. L. James does."  
  
"Guilty pleasure.  So shut up."  
  
Steve had to remember to look up _Fifty Shades of Grey_ at a library, if there were any left.  Or maybe on the internet, if it could do that.  
  
Deadpool moved on to Bruce.  "Hey, Big Green!  At least I guess you're Big Green, since there's a resemblance, face-wise.  I love your rage-monster ways.  We should do drinks sometime."  
  
"Okay?  Thank you?"  Bruce looked up at him in confusion.  Steve knew the feeling.  
  
"And Iron Man himself!  You are the standard against which I measure my hedonism.  I think I've surpassed you about five times, but I'm immortal, so it all probably evens out and you're most likely still the master of debauchery.  And you're mature enough to do it all without rerunning _Care Bears_ and _Rugrats_ in the middle of it all.  So yeah."  Deadpool patted Tony on the back.  
  
Tony blinked.  "I don't know whether I should blast you in the face or lock you in a cage and zap you with lasers just to see what you'll say next."  
  
"Oh, Tony, I appreciate your snark, even if it's inferior to mine."  Finally, Deadpool got to Thor.  " _You_.  Oh, you big, blond, and beautiful god of man."  Deadpool pulled up a chair and slung his arm around Thor.  "I love you.  You're amazing, badass, and sexy.  Don't ever change, gorgeous.  Here's my card if you ever need anything.  Anything at all."  He handed Thor a Joker card with the face scratched out and his own mask drawn above it.  
  
Steve held his breath, waiting for Thor's reaction.  This could go badly.  Very badly.  
  
But Thor simply laughed and put his arm around Deadpool's shoulders.  "I quite like this jester!  You are most amusing, sir!  What is your name?"  
  
Deadpool sighed like a lovesick girl again.  "Wade, but you can call me Ryan."  
  
Thor grinned.  "Well then, Ryan, you certainly are a master of your craft."

"Thanks, big guy!"  Deadpool opened up his bag and pull out his shawarma.  "You're so awesome.  Hell, all of you guys are super-dee-duper.  Seriously.  I mean, have you guys tried hanging out with the live-action X-Men?  After five minutes, it's all about Wolverine and his amnesia and his issues and then I have to stab him in the arm to get him to shut up, and Cyclops keeps trying to pretend he's in charge, but I'm like, 'Sorry, Scott, but you're really not.  You're the third wheel in everything you've been in ever, except for _27 Dresses_ and _The Box_ , so you just gotta wake up and accept the fact that Wolvie's top dog.  But I loved you in _Enchanted_ and _30 Rock_ if that helps.'  And then Storm usually strikes me with lightning, and the party's over."  
  
"Who are the X-Men?" Steve asked.  Just another thing to look up.  
  
"I was just about to ask that," Bruce added.  
  
"Be glad you don't know.  Be _very_ glad.  They're just a freaking mess.  Not like you guys.  You guys look like your franchise might be mostly decent, not to mention the fact that you're about to embark on an epic bromance and all."  Deadpool took a deep breath and bit into his shawarma.  "Oh god, this is the best!  Fatty roasted meat wrapped up in pita bread.  It's like Middle Eastern Mexican food!"  
  
"So, 'Ryan,'" Tony began.  "Who the hell are you?"  
  
Deadpool kept chowing down, so Natasha answered.  "The most obnoxious mercenary you will ever meet."  
  
"The Chitauri ripped his head off.  I saw it," Steve said.  
  
"Yeah, I heal.  I'm a boss like that," Deadpool told them between bites.  
  
"Do you do weddings and bar mitzvahs?" Bruce asked.  
  
Deadpool gave him a thumbs up.  "I'll do anything if the price is right."  
  
"Good to know."  
  
"So what do we do with him?" Steve asked as he watched Deadpool plow through his second shawarma.  
  
"File him under 'bizarre, entertaining allies,'" Tony suggested.  "I'm sure there are more crazies we can add to that list."  
  
"Squirrel Girl," Deadpool said quickly.  "You won't know what hit you after you've met her."  
  
Steve quirked an eyebrow.  Squirrel Girl?  Was that even possible?  
  
"Yo, Cap, you gonna finish that?"  
  
Steve pushed his half-eaten wrap over towards Deadpool and took a few breaths, trying to figure out what they were going to do about this.  Deadpool and Thor grinned at him and then each other mischievously.  He really didn't want to know what they were thinking.  Steve had a feeling Deadpool was just the tip of a very strange iceberg.


End file.
